So keep your candles burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and forever
Nick Cave, Into my Arms

When a man who has lost his two sons speaks openly about the deep pain of loss but also the rebirth through it, faith and trust in the course of life, and when that man is Nick Cave, his words can only sound consoling, soothing our existential anxieties – which is what his music and lyrics have been doing for thousands of people for decades.

Cave, in his familiar black suit and tie, sunk into the armchair on the stage of the Bozar cultural space in Brussels opposite Seán O’Hagan. This time, he doesn’t sing as we are accustomed. He answers the questions addressed to him by the journalist with his special Irish accent – which Cave did not leave untouched – and they discuss the topics contained in the autobiographical book they co-authored entitled Faith, Hope and Carnage*.

The book comes alive through his living, kind, spoken word. His presence exudes respect and quiet strength as he openly shares such serious topics without dampening the atmosphere. Humor often presents itself as a defense and counterweight.

Although this time Cave can’t fill the stage with his usual eerie movements while holding his microphone, his melancholic musicality permeates the high-ceilinged hall. At the back of the stage, an oversized church organ dominates, and one imagines that at any moment it will start to accompany his solid thoughts that reach melodically the ears of the fans.

I’ll start with the end of the evening, with his last sentence which encapsulates his whole mood: “If you want to say something to someone you love, say it now.” This was his answer to the final question asked by a young girl in the audience, which caught everyone off guard except for Cave himself: “Mr. Cave, is there something that you regret you never told your sons, something that could have changed their lives?“ Someone else in his position might have chosen not to answer, but he responded with the same candidness with which he also answered whether Belgian beers are the best in the world (he didn’t dare say no, of course).

I wonder what the girl’s motivation was for this awkward question. Does her young age justify her lack of empathy towards such a sensitive issue? Or did Cave’s demeanor give her a signal that he could handle this kind of question?

Indeed, it was with this impression that I left that evening, feeling that Cave now speaks from a position of acceptance of what has happened in his life, from the most sublime to the most tragic events. According to him, “in mourning, we lose ourselves but we also find ourselves. We are transformed. It’s an extraordinary journey.” As he has undertaken this journey more than once, he seems to be speaking from the perspective of someone who has managed to learn from it.

What is it that makes us want to know his views on life, death, pain, faith, and to rush to see him at a two-hour event (the tickets sold out in the first eight minutes) and read the voluminous book of his confessions?

Nick Cave’s life is characterized by great contrasts and exaggerated elements, which always attract the interest of the average person. But what I believe holds special value is his openness about the losses he experienced in recent years, having lost two sons within a span of seven years. It’s about the pain of losing a loved one, and there is no person who cannot relate to that.

According to psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, there are five stages one goes through when facing grief. The first is denial, the second is anger, the third is bargaining, the fourth is sadness or depression, and in the fifth stage comes acceptance. It is not always clear which stage a person is in at any given time, and often they overlap.

Cave gives the impression of a man who is in the stage of acceptance, at least in terms of his public image, because no one can truly know what goes on inside him once he steps off the stage.

In any case, it is only when a person reaches this stage that they can talk about their lost loved ones without sobbing; recollections are made with calmness and perhaps peace. This, of course, doesn’t mean that they don’t miss the departed, just that the pain isn’t overwhelming; it is closer to nostalgia.

For Cave, mourning coexists with love. Love is so beautiful, and that’s why loss hurts. He stated that night: “In the end, mourning is mourning, it hurts, but I felt like I was part of humanity, like any person who has lost a loved one. Death is an everyday thing, it happens all the time, we have to be able to move on. I wanted to discuss it, talk about it. To be vulnerable is to be open to the world, it’s a position of strength.”

And it aligns exactly with what we psychologists suggest in the case of loss and mourning, that the point isn’t to forget what you are mourning or to erase the pain – unfortunately, that isn’t possible. The point is to be able to move forward with your life despite the loss.

This can be achieved in different ways for everyone. Cave often shares that he found refuge in faith and religion, stating that night that “people who are grieving feel that there is something else beyond life. Until then, I did not imagine that there was anything more important than art.”

When asked if there are things he regrets, he responded: “If you had asked me before, I would have said I don’t have any. But as you grow older, you do. I regret the time I wasted injecting heroin. It’s a moral matter, how we use our lives.”

Regarding art and the myth that you need to suffer to create, he disagreed. “You can also create out of joy. I don’t like the notion that you have to suffer to create. This perception is wrong.”

He also spoke about the role of anger that is evident in his music, saying that it is something that drives him.

A young man in the audience asked him if he had any advice for anyone trying to find their identity through social media. Cave replied that when he was young, he was alone like all the other kids his age; they lived in their homes, in their rooms, without the connection that young people have today, who can contact anyone anywhere in the world. His advice for today’s youth was to explore this connection but not to conform to the mold that social media push for a certain way of life. “Because in the end, you only have yourself,” he concluded.

Cave also expressed concerns about whether progress is only good. “It is necessary, but we must bear in mind that in itself it is not a virtue.” For him, conservatism is an inspiration, as he said.

And if art is one of the ways to transform pain into creation, Cave proves it once again by revealing that he is currently working on his new album with the Bad Seeds.

In the end, he stayed to sign the open books, which were almost held aloft by his fans, reminiscent of birds flying under the stage. As is his style, he swayed from right to left as he signed. “Getting on stage is something extraordinary, I always take it very seriously. It’s a transcendent experience,” he shared.

He treats his audience with equal seriousness, expressing his honor each time they rush to see him. Even in these closing moments, he remains interactive, unafraid to connect with the people in front of him — his companions on this journey we call life.

First publication of the article: Huffington Post Greece

*The book Faith, Hope and Carnage is published by Canongate Books (2022)

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“Be thankful for the good and the bad things in your life. They have both taught you something.”
Khalil Gibran

Gratitude has often given rise to the interest of the scientific community. During the last few years mainly, research that proves its benefits is increasing more and more.

The general outcome of the research is that expressing gratitude can have a positive effect on the soul, the mind and the body as well. Emphasis has also been given to its social dimension, and scientists claim that when we feel grateful we tend to analyze our relationships with other people and find out if and how they have supported us.

The word “gratitude” derives from the Latin word “gratia”, which means grace, courtesy. All the derivations of this word refer to generosity, gratitude, gifts, the joy of giving and receiving or just giving generously without taking something in return (Pruyser, 1976). The object of gratitude can be a person or an actual being – for example our friends, animals, etc. or something impersonal or other non-material entities – such as God, nature, the universe, and so on (Teigen, 1997).

It has been said that gratitude is an emotion, a behaviour, a moral value, a habit, a personality trait or a reaction (Emmons & McCullough, 2003) and can be applied in the past, present and future.

According to Weiner, gratitude as an emotion is a situation that depends on the outcome, which comes from a cognitive process consisting of two steps: recognizing the positive result and recognizing that there is an external source for this result (Weiner, 1985).

Robert Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, and  one of the most well-known experts on gratitude, claims that gratitude makes us appreciate the value of things – however little or big they are – and not take them for granted. He also believes that gratitude helps us be more active and focus on positive facts, so that the joys we get from life are multiplied (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).There have been numerous research in which took part thousands of people of all ages. Briefly, the basic outcome is that people who practice gratitude regularly have the following benefits:

On a physical level:

– Stronger immune system

– Less pain

– Lower blood pressure

– They exercise more and take care of their health

– They sleep more and feel more relaxed when they wake up

On psychological level:

-More positive feelings

– More awake, alive and active

– More joy and pleasure

– More optimism and happiness

On social level:

– More helpful, generous and compassionate

– More forgiving

– More extrovert

– Less isolated and lonely

(McCullough, Emmons, & Tsang, 2002, Emmons & McCullough, 2003, Emmons & Stern, 2013).

What happens when we keep a gratitude journal?

There are many ways of expressing gratitude, including keeping a journal. It has been proven that when we express our gratitude on paper, the beneficial effects can be many more compared to simply writing or expressing verbally.

Emmons and McCullough, in one of their studies (2003), instructed young adults to keep a journal of the things they felt grateful for. Other groups have been instructed to keep a journal of things that have bothered them or why they felt superior to others. Compared to other groups, those who kept the gratitude journal increased their determination, focus, enthusiasm and energy.

In a second research, the same researchers found that adults who kept a gratitude journal even for one week only, also had some benefits. They had greater optimism, exercised more, got sick less and had less pains (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

Dr. Martin Seligman (2005), psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania and pioneer in the study of positive psychology, studied the effect of various psychological interventions on adults by comparing with writing assignment for early memories. When the assignment of the week was to write and give personally a gratitude letter to someone they had never thanked before, the participants immediately reported a huge increase in their happiness. This effect was much greater than any other intervention, with the benefits lasting more than one month.

Expressing gratitude through actions

Scientists point out that gratitude does not mean to believe that we are better than the others. Sometimes we feel grateful for what we have by looking at what others do not have or when we realize that they are worse than us. But this is not gratitude, it is just a comparison.

In addition, in order to have positive results from gratitude, it is necessary not only to assess the positive aspects of a situation, but we also need to take a step beyond that, to show or to express it. Gratitude not only encourages us to become aware of the gifts we have received, but to give in return as well. For this reason, sociologist Georg Simmel (1950) called it “moral memory.”

It is worthwhile wondering every day what is our act of gratitude for today. Ultimately, gratitude is a life attitude and a point of view. American politician Frank Clark was right to say: “If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get.”

Journal prompts on Gratitude

• Fill in the following sentence: right now I feel grateful for…
• Make a list of everything you have and feel grateful for. You can fill it up every day with something new.
• Make a list of the memories that make you feel grateful.
• Choose a moment for which you feel grateful and describe it in every detail.
• Write a letter to someone you feel grateful for. Read it again and if you wish, send it as a gift.
• How can you express your gratitude for a moment that you laughed?
• How can you show your gratitude to yourself?
• How can you show your gratitude to your body?
• How can you show your gratitude to the people you love?
• How can you remind the others of the value of gratitude?

Bibliography

Emmons, R. McCullough, M.E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.

Emmons, R. A., Stern, R. (2013). Gratitude as a psychotherapeutic intervention. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 846-855.

McCullough, M. E., Emmons, R. A., Tsang, J. (2002). The grateful disposition: A conceptual and empirical topography. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82, 112–127.

Pruyser, P. W. (1976). The minister as diagnostician: Personal problems in pastoral perspective. Philadelphia: Westminster Press. In Emmons, R. McCullough, M.E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.

Seligman, M., Steen, T., Park, N., Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60 (5), 410-421.

Simmel, Georg, 1950, The Sociology of Georg Simmel, Compiled and translated by Kurt Wolff, Glencoe, IL: Free Press.

Teigen, K. H. (1997). Luck, envy, and gratitude: It could have been different. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 38, 313–323.

Weiner, B. (1985). An attributional theory of achievement motivation and emotion. Psychological Review, 92, 548–573.

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